The One About Hemorrhoids

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 Let me start by saying something important: nobody warns you about adulthood properly.

It Started Innocently.

Everything was normal. I woke up, drank my tea, minded my business like a responsible citizen. Around midday, I felt pressed and off to the loo I went to do a number two.

Five minutes after, my life changed. Chaos.

The Moment of Realization

Let me tell you something: when hemorrhoids arrive, they do not knock politely.

They enter like an uninvited relative during Christmas.

Suddenly sitting down is no longer an activity. It becomes a negotiation with destiny.

I sat down.

My body said:

“Excuse me, who authorized this?”

I stood up.

My body said:

“Where do you think you're going?”

At that point I realized this pain is not joking with me.

The Walk of Suffering

Let me talk about walking.

Normally, walking is simple. Left leg and right leg abi?

But when hemorrhoids flare up, you start walking like someone that is transporting fragile eggs between your butt cheeks.

Every step becomes strategic.

People outside are seeing you moving slowly and thinking:

“Ah, this person is very calm.”

Calm ke? I'm fighting for my life.

Google Became My Bestie

That afternoon I entered Google with desperation.

Search history started looking like this:

  • Why does sitting feel like betrayal?

  • Does hemorrhoids kill?

  • How long before I know peace again?

  • Can someone/something take this pain away from me?

Google calmly said: Drink water. Eat fiber.

Sir?

 Enipe?

I need miracles, not vegetables.

I called my sister, she said to me: go to the hospital.

Oh, my GP is a male doctor. I am not about opening up my butt for a man to poke.

This girl legit said, I don't think you are in serious pain. Na you go put the doctor's hands close to the site of pain. 

Mo gbe!

The Sitting Problem

Let us talk about chairs.

Chairs used to be my friend. My support system. My companion.

Now every chair is looking at me like:

Try me if you are brave.

I started doing mathematics before sitting.

Angle of descent.
Speed of landing.
Surface pressure.

All this calculation just to rest small.

Adulthood is wicked.

The Final Acceptance

Eventually I reached the stage of acceptance.

This is my life now.

Hot water bath. Fiber. Careful movements. And silent prayers.

Because when hemorrhoids flare up suddenly, you understand something very important: Your body can humble you without warning.

One day you're confident.

Next day you're googling how to sit like a normal human being again.

Final Advice

If your body ever sends you small warning signs…

Please.

Listen.

Because if you ignore it, hemorrhoids will come and teach you humility.

I may finally be going to the hospital to get it cut off. 

But maybe I will just wait till it flares up again.

Till then....stay jiggy!!


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